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Just For A Laugh

Updated: 1 January 2003

Kingswells residents this new page is for a lighted hearted look at life, a little giggle and for the clean jokes. What ever makes you smile. Please send funny pictures (that are suitable for publishing) and your funny jokes to info@kingswells.com

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said,

"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?


A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade. Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish.

He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.

He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Un-amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.

Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees. Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?".

The other lion says: . . . . . .

 

(Wait for it.........)

 

 

"Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"


WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word they use at the end of any argument that they feel that they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use "Fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This means half an hour. It's equivalent to the "five minutes" that a football game is going to last before "He" takes out the trash. So that is an even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes."Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down , and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth. so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really miffed at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing"

(Posted 30.4.2002)

HERE ARE SOME ACTUAL LABEL INSTRUCTIONS ON CONSUMER GOODS. Warning: reading this may cause laughter

1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (Evidently, the shoplifter special.)

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how...?)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But it's *just* a suggestion.)

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (DOH! too late!)

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day...)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save even more time?)

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I'm curious.)

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." (NEWS FLASH)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)

14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)

15. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food." (Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's okay honey just grab the Palmolive!)

16. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste:"If swallowed contact poison control." (Oh please. Have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?)

17. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine." (Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids.)


If you can provide assistance or information with any of the above please contact me at: info@kingswells.com A credit will be given to anyone submitting articles and photos used on web site. Claire Burt Web mistress

 
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Site Compiled by Claire Burt Email: info@kingswells.com or write to: Kingswells.com 21 Wellside Avenue, Kingswells, Aberdeen, AB15 8EF